Friend I hadn't seen since being pregnant: "Wow, you look
amazing. I'd never believe you just had a baby!"
Me: "Oh, stop."
Me (in my head): "Please,
don't stop..."
As a new mom, I took every iota of compliment I could get. I
needed them to survive. Otherwise, I was at high risk of dwindling away into a
lair of self-pity. I had belly flab for the first time in my life. The dark
circles under my eyes were nearly out staged by puffiness. I moved like an old
lady, still not fully healed post-birth. I felt asexual, not the least for my
leaking breasts. The hormone crash made it hard to keep a grip on emotions. And
I'm still not sure if it was hormones or lack of sleep to blame, but my brain
was always two steps behind where it needed to be. I held this babe in my arms
that was pure youth — and in that contrast, I felt pure anti-youth. Suddenly, I
saw my life cycle: Out with the old, in with the new.
Of course, there's beauty in this process. Likely Mother
Nature's way of saying, "Get over yourself already!" There's a new being who
needs 110 percent of mommy, not giving a darn who mommy was before, or what
exciting things she once did.
But me, I did give a darn ... as much as I didn't want to.
Is this stubbornness a result of the modern day woman wanting
too much? Or was I not accepting of genetic inevitability? Perhaps
anthropologically, it was intended for women to be taken down a notch after
birth, to ensure settling down as a family protection mechanism?
Or maybe my life was just too good pre-baby. Especially
during pregnancy, which was surprisingly a self-esteem zenith. (Well, minus the
round-the-clock morning sickness phase, during which I just wanted to hide away
on another biosphere!)
My feel-good estrogen levels in my second and third trimester
rocketed me to cloud nine, and I had an ego-boost from feeling my body was
doing important work. Bonus: strangers were nice to me. Not with the smiles of
"poor you" (which would come later when I was transparently clueless as to how
to soothe a crying baby on the subway), but of "right on!" I still had my free
time, my identity, and undivided attention to give to my beloved.
It was with much relief that I found out I was not alone in
my post-baby blahness. This feeling of identity loss post-baby is a sentiment
I've since heard often from other new moms, not just physically but
intellectually. It's a surprise emotion, which is a bit suspicious — as if the
information isn't shared due to fear of there not being future members of "the
club." As a lure: Only the positive new mommy feelings are shared widely. Even
the reality of morning sickness is a surprise to the first-time moms who get
hit with it. Initiation is obviously not complete until baby is outside the
womb!
While I may not be able to change questionable habits of "the
club," I can at least share some things that helped me, well ... get over
myself, and then get back to myself — because it is possible. And while I'm no expert, I'll certainly be following
my own advice if/when Baby #2 comes along!
Tips for Tasting New Mama Confidence:
- Take
a shower or bath — every day.
- Go
out for air — every day — even
if just to push the stroller around the block.
- Take
a solo walk in public — soon after baby is born, and often after that. This helps
affirm the fact that you are not invisible!
- Wear
makeup (if you did before).
- Get
your hair done on your same pre-baby schedule (trim, color, etc).
- Buy
some inexpensive "transition" clothes, to tide you over in the months till
pre-pregnancy clothes fit again.
- Respect
your body's needs by eating healthily.
- Get a
massage as soon as you're physically healed.
- Exercise
the body when you get the medical OK. Yoga is a great way to heal the
mind/body connection that has likely gotten a bit frazzled.
- Exercise
the brain — read or do crossword puzzles when nursing or during rare free
time.
- Ask
loved ones to occasionally remind you that you're looking not-so-shabby!
- Connect
with other moms — not only moms who are at the same stage as you, but also
veteran moms, who are living proof that it does get easier.
- Be
kind to yourself. As the saying goes, we are usually our own worst
critics.
If all else fails, have solace in the notion that women might
not be alone in this struggle. Take a look next time you see a new papa at the
playground. Notice wrinkles, gray hair, and/or potbelly? Maybe not a
coincidence, so don't forget to return the compliment!
Jennifer Medley is a NYC-based freelance writer mama and certified Nutrition & Wellness Consultant. www.jennifermedley.com