Among certain circles, breast is undisputedly considered the best. Benefits for mom and baby are vast, and some mothers who do not or cannot breastfeed for some reason may even find themselves criticized for bottle feeding. When it comes to breastfeeding beyond a certain age, however, the general population can get critical, and even cranky with their opinions. And it happened sooner than I thought. Although I breastfed my daughter till she was almost two-and-a-half, the verbal and silent judgment came my way at 16 months. While breastfeeding in a park one day, a good friend’s husband asked, “When are you going to give that up?” Such seemingly innocuous, but weighty, questions arose in many settings, among family and friends alike, as I breastfed.
So, what’s the big deal? In talking to lots of moms who breastfeed “full term”—how one mom prefers to call “extended” breastfeeding, we all decided it’s their problem. But what’s a mom to do in the face of such judgment and criticism?
Tips for Dealing With the Criticism
- Be in community. Surrounding yourself with like-minded moms is the best support you can give yourself. While your own mom and dad (and extended family) may not know the benefits of breastfeeding into early childhood, lots of other moms do. La Leche League is the most widely known resource for breastfeeding support, and you will most certainly find women breastfeeding to all ages at their meetings. Almost all the moms who shared their experience with me said being around other moms who shared their thinking was critical to both avoiding criticism and being able to withstand it better.
- Know the health bennies. Breastfeeding for as long as the mother and child desire is a mutual gift to both. Although research on children who breastfeed beyond the age of two is minimal, the available information from credible sources such as the American Academy of Family Physicians, American Academy of Pediatrics, and the World Health Organization, among others, indicates that breastfeeding is a valuable source of nutrition and disease protection for as long as breastfeeding continues. And it’s good for mom, too. Our pediatrician says that for each six months of breastfeeding, mom gains a 2.5 percent decrease in the chances of developing breast cancer, and it helps reduce other cancers as well.
- Trust yourself. Recalling the wisdom of the breastfeeding connection goes beyond medical research. What’s necessary for some—for example, physical and emotional space from their child—may be unnecessary for others. According to Elizabeth N. Baldwin, Esq., in “Extended Breastfeeding and the Law,” breastfeeding to two and beyond is not only normal, but can be the gentlest way to transition to childhood. Only you know what is best for you and for your child.
- Adjust your attitude. Claiming your inner “mother lioness” can go a long way. One mama lion says she exudes a “don’t f--- with me” attitude and thinks it scares people away from commenting when she’s breastfeeding her almost four-year-old in public. If it’s not on your radar to be criticized—because you are so engaged in the ‘rightness’ and clarity of what you are doing—you may be being criticized, but not even notice! The law of attraction says that you attract into your life whatever you think about. So if you are thinking about—or fear being—criticized for breastfeeding your older toddler, then the chances of actually getting criticized, and having that experience, increases. (Although it’s still not your fault if someone does so!)
- Don’t take it personally. If you do receive some negative words or stares about it, don't take it personally. The criticism is not about you; it’s about the person giving it—their discomfort and their ignorance. This is not the easiest advice to follow, because after all, it feels so personal! It’s your child, your breast, your choice. On the other hand, you may have some ambivalence about breastfeeding your older toddler, so when a person expresses judgment you may get emotionally charged—feeling angry or defensive—because you sense something slightly true for you about what they are saying. Knowing this about yourself may help when you formulate your response.
- Be prepared with a response. For many of us, having a ready answer to leading questions, or a way to deflect any negative or sarcastic comments, can help us feel more prepared during a moment of being judged. And because being criticized is literally an intrusion, it can often create an emotional charge that puts us in lower brain function—fight, flight, or freeze—making us act less than our best selves. The antidote to this is having some insight into your pattern and bypassing your initial reaction with a pre-planned response.
Crafting Your Response
- Start with getting clear about your reasoning by asking yourself some questions such as: Why do you breastfeed? What is important or meaningful to you about it?
- Then consider what comes up for you. When it happens, what feelings do you experience? Possibilities include anger, embarrassment, hurt, annoyance, and confusion, among others. Dealing with your inner voices can dilute that feeling of being charged.
- Finally, think about what you want to happen in a moment of criticism and the words you might use to get that result. Do you want to embarrass the person back (ha!), or educate them, or politely change the subject?
Once we have the answers to some of these questions, the words will flow. And, as always, when we are feeling emotionally triggered, it can help to pause and collect ourselves before responding so we can be as effective in our communication as possible.
Practice forgiveness. Remember that most judgment and criticism comes from ignorance. And once the hurt or the frustration of the criticism subsides, it’s a good idea to consider forgiving the person their words, whether it was a stranger at the museum or your mom for the 27th time. We cannot, or at least rarely can, change someone else, and in forgiving we can further develop our own clarity. Forgiveness allows us to continue giving the gifts of breastfeeding to our children with a calm and brave heart.
Shea Adelson is a writer, coach and facilitator and magnificent mama to Maxine.