Would Someone Please
Just Call Me Super Mom? (3.8.10)
I
had this exact thought while stuffing the comforter into our duvet, after
washing our sheets, vacuuming the downstairs, fulfilling my yoga practice and
working several billable hours, all in the time frame of having sent my husband
to the Museum of Science with our daughter for the morning. Beforehand, I reserved
passes from our local library, made sure he had a backpack of snacks and
relayed the best spots to hit. And I even put her down for her nap.
Want to hear more data from my Scorecard? OK, my pleasure. I make 95 percent of
Maxine’s lunches, arrange 100 percent of her medical needs, 100 percent of her
activities, 90 percent of the childcare, 90 percent of school drop-offs and
pick-ups and 25 percent of her nighttime rituals. I do 50 percent of the
dishes, 95 percent of the grocery shopping, 99 percent of the laundry, 99
percent of the regular cleaning, 100 percent of the thank-you cards, 99 percent
of the social planning and 5 percent of the cooking. Plus, I make 10 percent of
the income these days (on average).
I
am beyond even-steven. I understand life is not fair. I have surrendered,
except during my cycle, to domestic life with a child. All I’d like is a little
appreciation. I thought this was a man’s thing, needing to feel appreciated. I
don’t need it exaggerated. I don’t even really need it. I’d simply like it, to keep the
resentment at bay. A once-a-day acknowledgment would do it. Twice a day would
soften my skin and three times would get me in the sack.
However, since I cannot legislate what my partner says and does, and
does not say or do, I vow to:
- Cease complaining
about not getting acknowledged
- Ask for it if I
really need it
- Let it go if I
don’t
- Acknowledge
myself
- Keep doing my
best
Notice today what you might need in the way of acknowledgment. One way to search for
this is noticing where you may be feeling some resentment or the beginning of it.
While our expectations of our partners — or of anything or of anyone — can
cause suffering, we can self-empathize, self-care and self-love. In order to do
this, we need to shift our complaints to requests, let it go, turn to ourselves
(or a friend) for what we need, and keep on being what we are that gives us
appreciation for ourselves.
Work It, Mama! is a place to come for inspiration as a working mama. It is chock full of tools, techniques, ideas, reflections, interviews and concrete practices to support your personhood — your whole and sufficient self — as you do the seemingly impossible job of being a working mom. And we'll do it in community, appreciating each other's choices, and supporting each other's aspirations. Remember, all moms are working moms.
Shea Adelson, mama to Maxine, is a contributing writer at Mindful Mama and a life and leadership coach with Seven Stones Leadership.
Hey Mama, What's Your
Mindfulness Practice? (3.1.10)
We (working moms) need some time to quiet ourselves. Life is hectic in
"the jungle of the juggle." We are balancing so many opposing needs all the
time, responding in the moment to unpredictable events (ever had a sick child
with a full day scheduled?) — all while planning for our family's future. Being
quiet — or meditating — amongst the noise of family life is not typically
something we think of as necessary to being a good or better mom. However, it
really is like exercise, in the way that we should take a stand for our hearts
to be healthy and our bodies (and minds) to feel good. Like exercise,
meditation is proven to relax the
mind, reduce tension and suppress the release of stress hormones that can cause
illness. Plus, a cranky, stressed out mom, means a cranky, stressed out family.
What do you do to nurture a relaxed state of mind?
Hopefully
your answer is: "All kinds of things!" If it's not, here's a practical guide to
creating some necessary down time for a quiet mind, and wellbeing as a mom,
wife and working woman.
1. Just sit. True relaxation is
not necessarily happy hour or movie night (though those are certainly great
ways to unwind!). What I am talking about here is meditation — allowing your mind to soften and rest
back away from the inevitable thoughts and feelings that flow through us.
Experiencing quiet in the mind is sometimes called the ground of being. From this place of quiet, solutions to a
problem you had not recognized before become clear, possibilities open, and
sometimes — in time — that wrinkle between your eyebrows becomes slightly less
visible.
We
allow this state to arise by creating the context for our minds to grow still
and calm through stillness of the body, and so, we just sit. While we sit, we use our mind as a witness to simply
notice our sensations, internally and externally. Sitting is the easiest, most
well-known form of meditation; it keeps us from falling asleep on our backs or
managing our routes if we are walking. Sitting is simple, especially if we ...
2. ... Make it easy. When trying to make
time to do nothing, we are often confronted
by all the things we have to do. Merely
mentioning to the mind that it will become quiet activates it to remind us of
all the lists, the promises and the obligations we have, and it will resist. If we are new to quieting the
mind, we have to invoke a bit of discipline in setting up structure and an environment
friendly to quieting. For us to move through the resistance, it is best to make
it really, really easy to sit down.
Look around you right now. Where is a good place to sit quietly,
eyes open and soft or closed? You want it to be a safe place, comfortable,
warm, and supporting to any physical needs you might have.
Next, scan your daily schedule. What is a good time each day to set
aside one to 10 minutes? You want it to be a time that comes easily, so
you can sustain it over time. I am not a morning person, but if you naturally
arise before your children, this could be a great time and is considered
auspicious by many meditation teachers. I find quiet during my child's naptime.
But because the family routine is ever-changing ...
... Consider this an experiment. That way, you can try different times
and places out and gently discover the best time for you in your current
situation.
3. Start out slow and short. The first time I
attempted a practice of sitting quietly, the advice was to do it for one minute
each day for a week, and to slowly build from there. I am embarrassed to admit
that that first minute was excruciating.
I sat at the end of my bed and folded my hands and, well, just sat. It was
uncomfortable. It was new. Though redundant, this is another good time to
remind you to be gentle and experimental. Like a new exercise routine or eating
habit, starting a meditation practice has its ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Be
kind when you skip a day and simply start afresh.
4. Use props. A timer is handy. Set
it for the time you wish to sit (remembering less is more, especially at
first), close your eyes and when it rings, get up. Simple! Lighting a candle or
incense, ringing a bell or floating a flower are ways to create sacred space.
These rituals invite the mood for meditation into your fast-paced day and say
to the brain, slow down and listen.
5. Work with a
teacher.
I have found working with a meditation educator vastly helpful. In fact, it
wasn't until I linked into the work of Karen Kyaha Abrams that I could really claim to have a strong meditation
practice. There are many approaches to quieting the mind and developing a
spiritual practice, and having someone to help navigate this terrain is an
effective investment in our overall wellbeing as moms. While I had some success
in sitting on and off over many years using the suggestions above, working with
a teacher is what grounded me in a life practice.
6. Get a buddy. If finding (or I
might say, attracting) a teacher is
not desirable at this time, consider connecting with a friend and using each
other for support. There was a time when my best friend and I would make phone
dates. We'd call each other up, say hi, put the phone down, sit for 10 minutes, and
then say good-bye and hang up. Having some amount of accountability, in the
same way that a walking or gym buddy functions, can create some momentum — especially
in the beginning.
The bottom line is to keep it simple and do it. Research shows that
meditating regularly for shorter times is better than binge meditating (for
long periods at a time) and then not meditating at all. Those short moments of
quiet will — like a ringing bell — expand into the rest of your day and offer a
sweet internal oasis in the middle of your crazy juggle jungle.
Confession of a Guilty Mom (#1) (2.22.10)
"Guilty
Moms are a dime a dozen." My friend said it well, but I really had no idea of
all the ways in which I was feeling guilty (one of the top "Weapons of Scarcity" I use on myself
regularly), until I started looking at my life. Take the trip we are going on
that involves a six-hour drive (one way). I am anxious for my 3-year-old to be
in the car for that long. Though I was given lots of advice on how to entertain
her, I was loathing the preparation: find a DVD player to borrow, collect some
DVDs, go to Target's dollar area for cheap and new-to-her toys, make some
puppets and other homemade activities. I had a deadline this week and wasn't
willing to spend my downtime crafting. I didn't want to spend the money;
didn't want to have TV in the car. I just didn't want to deal.
But
two days before we left, with most options no longer viable, my folly began to
dawn on me like milk slowly spoiling in the back of the fridge. Was I crazy? Six hours, no preparation? I
don't have a lot of evidence for my child being difficult on long rides, but
only because we don't take any. I
knew that I had to do something and that something I did was Target.
I
have a habit of pretending I am an anthropologist visiting a foreign culture
when I engage in some pop cultural ritual that I am ambivalent about, such as
watching CBS Monday night comedy shows or buying cheap products at big box
stores. I realize that Target provides jobs here and abroad (sometimes
uplifting women and their families out of abject poverty), but I am vastly
ambivalent about the overall value of this business model. I know deep down
that when I step in there for something I could buy for a couple of dollars
more at a local hardware store or children's boutique, I am not aligned with my
core values.
Why did I do it? I felt desperate. I
felt afraid. I became worried that we would have a terrible drive without some
new stuff to ward off Maxine's boredom. That we would be trapped in the car
together, angry and fuming and late for where we needed to be. That my
fire-breathing dragon mama would unleash her wrath in frustration and, in turn,
ruin the trip. Mild hyperbole, but a LOT of scarcity running the show and a
whole cultural conversation backstage.
I
will admit that being in Target the night before Valentine's Day was rather
festive. I felt I was participating in a modern American past time: the consumption
of cheap goods. I understand this activity because it feels good. It's fun to
find little treasures I can afford in the stacked bins, fill up my bag and walk
out with the (perceived) security of a peaceful drive. It was easy and
convenient. I was grateful for that.
A piece of me (where my actions trampled on my values) feels guilty, however. I felt
a bit queasy in the store under the slight high of finding what I thought was
protecting me. I felt a weird sense of pride combined with repulsion for my
Americanism and the way I was expressing it. I've been left wondering, how does one be a mindful working mama?
How do we stay aligned to our values, our ideals, when we feel depleted of time
and creative energy, when the easier route is not only available but is
celebrated by a society hungry to keep the economy humming?
One
thing I know is that I have some work to do on trusting myself (I always have a
choice not to lose my temper), trusting my child (she always has 10 fingers to
count and shoes to take on and off), trusting my community (to ask for help)
and going with the flow (so what if we arrive late?). Trust is an action of
sufficiency. For now, I will stand in the inquiry of how rigorous I should really
be about Target and its peers when it's a priority to flow my resources to
local shops. And in the meantime, I will shake off the guilt.
Epilogue:
We
are back from our trip. While the dollar clipboard was great for drawing,
Maxine was mostly unimpressed with my other purchases. The stamps didn't work,
the dry erase board fell apart, and so did the markers. What did I expect for a
buck? The miracles came in ways I could never have controlled: her folding up
my scarf to make a pillow for a long nap each way, rocking out to her CDs,
eating snacks and playing with toys I brought from home. When it comes to
scarcity, FDR has it right: "The only
thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Can We Have It All? (2.15.10)
This
week, I discovered that I am in a committed relationship with my work. I had
canceled a social date for the third time, and was emailing things like: “I
need to pause on making plans until I catch up on my rest (I mean work), yes,
my rest…” That’s when it hit me. Then it really became obvious when I realized
how behind I am on watching “Project Runway.” It’s been a slow transition (one
bathroom necessity at a time), but here I am, all moved into — not my new
boyfriend’s house — but my desk.
Felicity
Huffman, well-known actress and mother of two, once caused Leslie Stahl’s
eyebrows to lift in a “60 Minutes” interview when she was
asked if mothering was the best experience of her life. Her response: “No, no,
and I resent that question.” Quite the bold statement for a woman to make on
primetime television. When I watched this story three years ago (having just
miscarried), I nearly leapt off my couch with passionate recognition of the
truth: A mother gives a taboo — though honest — answer to a population
dominated by images and ideals of motherhood being wholly satisfying, never
mind the fairytale story floating around — it’s beautiful, easy, joyful and natural.
In
reality, moms — women — also enjoy birthing and raising movements, businesses,
projects and art. “Duh,” you say. But
heed what Nina Utne, mother of two and editor of the progressive and
illuminating Utne Reader, told a friend of
mine at a woman’s leadership roundtable event: “We can’t have it all. It’s
impossible.”
Are
working moms disillusioned? Am I? Can I actually meet all of the expectations
in all areas of my life? Can I keep my family well nourished on home-cooked
food? Can I raise well-adjusted child(ren) who will be prepared for adulthood
when it’s time? Can I have an amazing sex life and connection with my partner?
How about a career that forwards my deepest ideals? And the well-tended
friendships I cherish? My aging parents well-cared for? The rest, the
recreation, the restoration of nothingness, and deep practice that my mind and
body need?
I
have no idea. I am only just now committing to my work in a significant way,
taking it to the next level. Let’s say I am betrothed
to my work and also want to grow my family of three to four. Is that too much
to ask? I think the answers have something to do with the help we have around
us: supportive partners and grandparents, or lots and lots of financial
resources. In a very critical way, this is a socioeconomic inquiry, which is
not lost of me.
Felicity
Huffman wasn’t sure she was a good mother. We all have insecurities, and
working and having a career outside of parenting has nothing to do with that.
Nina Utne was clear that we can’t have it all, at the same time. We need to make choices and live life in stages.
I hear the wisdom in this, but I already know that I will try otherwise.
You Know You Are a Working Mom When … (2.8.10)
Back
when I was a new mom — which meant I was exhausted and drained — I would drive by
my own street when headed home. My friend, a new mom herself, and I began the running
joke: “You know you are a new mom when … you drive by your own street on the
way home.” Another day, another voicemail: “You know you are a new mom when … you
leave the house without an extra set of clothes and your baby has a poop
blow-out up the back — at the beginning of your much-needed, long-awaited hair
appointment.”
Because
it was so much fun (and relieving) to go back and forth with my friend, I decided
to revive this game. Because it takes a village, and every working mom has her
own unique experience, schedule, arrangement, and relationship with her family,
I went to my awesome community of moms and asked for their help.
The request? Finish this sentence: “You know you are a working mom
when …”
I must have struck a nerve, because for two days, more than 40 moms replied. It
turns out we are all having very similar experiences (go figure!).
What do we share? Work is more of a
vacation than family or school vacation. A medical or waxing appointment is a
coveted opportunity for rest and reflection. Embarrassing moments occur when
uncovering what lies at the bottom of your purse. No more sick days. Many a
standards have been, and will be, broken.
You know you are a working mom when…
You are an inspiration
to your kids:
- ... You come downstairs dressed for an important meeting and your kids
say: “Oh Mommy, you look so nice! I didn’t know you had THOSE clothes.”
- ... Your
2-year-old throws a bag over her shoulder and declares “Mommy's work
bag!” as she heads for the door.
- ... You can master any obstacle course in heels.
- ... You're child refuses to do what she's told and offers as her excuse, "I
just have to send one more email." (On the play computer, of course.)
You are an inspiration
to your workmates:
- ... You enjoy making your male colleagues squirm when you tell them about “that
bag you always carry around but don’t open.” (The pump.)
- ... You reach into your suit pocket at a meeting and pull out a pair of Dora the
Explorer underpants.
The line between
working and mothering is thin:
- ... You clean your desk and it involves scraping off play dough.
- ... You find yourself humming "The Wheels on the Bus" alone in your car.
- ... In selecting a pediatric dentist, you factor in that one has WiFi and massage
chairs while the other has a good toy selection in the waiting area.
- ... A missed nap is half a workday lost.
Work is considered a
break:
- ... Going back to work after a vacation is MORE of a vacation.
- ... There's no such thing as a sick day. Ever. No matter how crummy you feel.
- ... Your kids are sleeping, you’re drinking a cup of coffee while working, and it
feels like the best vacation ever.
You are resourceful:
- ... You zip your kids into a tent so you can check email.
- ...
You finish your makeup in the rearview mirror.
- ... You sneak a cookie with you to the computer, and hope the kid napping on the
couch behind you is really asleep.
- ... You hide in the shower to talk to your boss because it’s the only place your 5-year-old
won’t find you and ask you to turn on the Wii for the 90th time that afternoon.
You have no choice but
to get help:
- ... Peapod (grocery delivery service) is your new best friend.
- ... You’re willing to pay your nanny that extra half hour of time in the morning so
you can shower alone.
- ... The happiest moment of the week is coming home after the cleaning professionals
have visited.
You take multi-tasking
to a new level:
- ... You
pump breast milk while driving to work. (Mom Tip: This requires a healthy
supply of AAA batteries!)
- ... You are that mom on her cell phone at
the bus stop.
- ... You
strap on the baby for a nap, hop on the elliptical, and catch up on some work
reading.
- ... You simultaneously: listen to an after-hours conference call (speaker phone on
mute), bake brownies with your 2-year-old and
cook dinner.
- ... Your
daughter takes her first steps on your “day off,” in your office, while you’re
on a conference call.
- ... You
have your older kids do their homework in the car while dropping off the
younger ones at daycare.
You get creative about
time:
- ... You answer all your emails and do half your day’s work after 10 p.m.
- ... Your best working hours are from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
- ... You don't have the time, patience or energy to listen to any voicemail message longer
than 30 seconds.
- ... You stay out late just to give your babysitter a minimum amount of hours, even
if you’re falling asleep at the bookstore.
You are protective of
your “you” time, however you get it:
- ... You ask the receptionist in the doctor's office to skip over you while you read
a magazine.
- ... You are glad for your bellybutton
hernia operation (a result of pregnancy). So glad you say to the
anesthesiologist: "I'm so excited for the nap!”
- ... You feel grateful to attend a funeral because you get to sit quietly in church
for two hours.
- ... Sitting
in the dentist chair is the most peace you’ve had all day.
- ... Waxing feels like a good time to close your eyes and relax.
- ... Going to the grocery store alone feels like a nourishing “me” date.
- ... Driving to work is nirvana.
- ... You're looking forward to the labor and delivery of your second baby — as a way
to get two full nights worth of sleep in the hospital, plus meals delivered.
Sex is elusive:
- ... Your husband sees
you wearing sexy underwear and comments that it must be laundry day.
- ... Your
“up all night” experience no longer refers to a really crazy, sexy experience,
but a long night of keeping a fever down, finding a special blankie in the
dark, or cleaning up pee.
- ... Any sex is good sex.
- ... Your perfect “date night” involves snuggling with your partner... for eight hours
of uninterrupted sleep!
- ... You
spend “date night” waxing your legs in front of a “Sex and the City” rerun.
- ... You
get excited to take yourself on an online date to buy new clothes at 11 p.m.
while sitting at your desk.
- ... You have boxes of clothes to return in your basement from your late-night
online shopping dates.
You let go of
standards:
- ... Cheese and crackers seems like a perfectly well-balanced meal for the family.
- ... You take an a.m. conference call in your old maternity sweats (because,
shoot, they are so darn comfy!), your shirt is covered in your 2-year-old's
snot (because he prefers your shoulder to a tissue), a shower is on the to-do
list (you can always wear a ponytail again, right?), and your trusty breast
pump is fired up and ready to go as soon as you get off the phone!
- ... You have a deadline to meet and wished your 9-month-old liked to watch TV.
- ... “Dry Clean Only” garments are banned from your house.
- ... You're bribing your 2-year-old with french fries, in order to get her to eat some
protein: deep-fried, previously frozen chicken nuggets. Then you offer her an
alternative of pizza.
You let go of your
life before children:
- ... Crawling into bed at 7:30 on a Saturday night seems perfectly reasonable.
- ... You find your child's half-eaten granola bar in your coat pocket.
- ... You fiddle with your baby’s binky you walked out of the house with while having
a serious work conversation.
- ... Poop in the bathtub is the least of your problems. (Mom aside: “Seriously, that
was my day today.”)
- ... “School break” no longer means “vacation.”
You are grateful for
what you do have:
- ... The priceless artwork in your office consists of handprints and stick figures.
- ... You
consider 7:30 to be "sleeping in" on a Sunday.
- ... You reach into your bag for your wallet and pull out a snack-trap filled with
cheerios instead.
You are prepared:
- ... You tote a bag with your work computer in the car at all times, in case of
spontaneous naps hopeful for some productivity.
- ... You work on this article at Whole Foods between grocery shopping and teaching a
yoga class, without even taking your jacket off.
You know you are a
working mom when you can laugh at yourself. What a gift to receive all these
contributions and to share in the humor (sometimes dark) of juggling the many
hats we wear as moms. I deeply appreciate those who contributed their working
mom moments and would love to hear from you, too! Tell me about it: shea@sevenstonesleadership.com.
Enough of This!
Parenting from Scarcity (2.1.10)
How often do you say (out loud or in your head):
- “I
wish the day was four hours longer?"
- "I
wish I had more time for myself."
- “I
wish my child didn’t ask so many questions, or wasn’t so loud/demanding?”
- “I
wish my child wouldn’t do that, be different, or more like that other kid?”
Parenting can be frustrating, especially in the
realm of time, and especially when you are juggling a workload.
This
week as I practiced yoga, I listened to my mind chattering away about all the
work I had to do. I thought, “If only I could replicate myself.” My 'scarcity
radar' picked it up, and gently moved my mind forward, but another thought
rolled in: “If only I could extend the day a bit.” Radar engaged again, and my
attention backed away from the thought, but then, quickly, another one: “This
parenting job takes up so much time.”
Enough!
I asked myself: “Why is it I feel the need to be so productive? What is that
compulsion? What will happen if I don’t complete everything on my list?” From
that inquiry, and probably the power of being in a challenging yoga pose, I
softened into the opening of what is. The present moment, the crystal
clear knowing that I was enough right now, and always was and always
will be, no matter what I check off my list. This was a moment of grace — and I
was grateful for it — because I have an infinite trough of scarcity stories — about time, money, food, sex, love, sleep, resources, knowledge, time.
Time is the big one for me. There’s never enough, it seems.
What is it for you?
Take
a moment to evaluate. Notice what occurs in your relationships and through the
varying domains in your life. Where do you hear the words “never enough” in your relationship
to:
- Your
body (health, fitness, food)?
- Your
self (realm of being, thinking, feeling, behaviors)?
- Money?
- Time?
- Sex?
- Relationships
(parenting, intimacy, friends, family of origin)?
- Contribution/purpose?
- Work/career/job?
- Spirituality
(religion, nature, God, higher power, mindfulness practices)?
- Recreation
(leisure, creativity, hobbies)?
How you relate to these domains in your life will
effect how you parent.
Distracted
over work? Feeling deficient in your marriage? Angry that grandma doesn't abide
by your requests? Our children can sense what’s happening in our worlds and our
feelings. Unless we become deeply aware of them and conscious of their flow, they will indeed influence our behavior. Evaluate which domains you feel are
sufficient, which are lacking, where the complaints lie and where there are
celebrations. Now, consider the story you have about your kid(s)? And
separately, how do you feel about yourself as a parent?
Are you enough as you are? Tell me about it:
shea@sevenstonesleadership.com.
All Moms Are Working Moms (1.25.10)
I knew this to be true before I saw the bumper sticker, but I sure liked seeing it in black and white on a moving minivan, being driven by a dad no less. Now, having been on both sides of the “Mommy War,” it is absolutely clear to me that all moms work, whether they get paid in currency or not. It’s too complex to ever know what arrangement (of many possibilities) is more challenging or more rewarding. Which is harder? Finding good childcare and dealing with preparing lunches, dropping off, picking up on time, making sure an extra set of clothes is available, dealing with sick days, transitioning from office to home, plus the complex emotionality — the grief, guilt and ambivalence — to attend to about not being with your child(ren) all day long and feeling like you can’t do anything well, or being “on” with your child all day, being tugged at, demanded upon, coming up with fun activities to entertain and educate that also appeal to your sensitivities, so you are both stimulated and not terribly bored, plus dealing with all of the complex emotionality — the grief, guilt and ambivalence — to attend to about not building a career and expressing all of that intelligence and passion that you have for ideas outside of mothering?
Who’s to say? We each are, for ourselves. Putting down the scorecard, I know that being a mom is laborious, no matter if you have one or three, nanny or no nanny, paid work outside the home or unpaid work inside the home. The emotions are the same. The tensions are all real. We can indeed relate to each other. If that bumper sticker had actually said "Go Cougars!" I might have started to think the same thoughts. Don’t many of us moms feel like we have to be a sexy cougar in bed, a witty cougar at the office, a wise cougar to her friend, a patient cougar with grandma, a creative cougar to get her pups to brush their teeth, get dressed, buckle up, wash up for dinner, or to do just about anything? We need each other, to talk about these things, to share what works and what doesn't.
Work It, Mama! will be a place to come for inspiration as a working mama. It will be chock full of tools, techniques, ideas, reflections, interviews and concrete practices to support your personhood — your whole and sufficient self – as you do the seemingly impossible job of being a working mom. We'll do it in community, appreciating each other's choices, and supporting each other's aspirations. Welcome!